What I’ve Learned From Dating Every Sign of the Zodiac

I will say that the first man to float the idea of marriage was a Virgo. Six years after we broke up, in which time he’d moved to Virginia, found God, and been ordained as a pastor, this Virgo man called me out of the blue. “What if we made a proper go of it?” he said with a perfunctory tone, as if he was proposing driving lessons not marriage. “There’s a fashion college in the next town—you could teach there when you move here.” I didn’t have to consult my copy of Love Signs to know the answer was no.

The Spicy Aries

Aries are known to be fiery, outgoing types. In my experience, they’re also great dancers. My salsa teacher was supremely talented in that respect, brimming with Big Aries Energy despite his compact frame; even in his chunky, three-inch platform sneakers, he was barely five feet seven tall.

As Goodman tells it, Aries need “a dash of magic to make life interesting.” Sparks did indeed fly on our first date. Thanks to his expert skills—he was actually the Cuban salsa champion of the world—dancing together felt like walking on air.

And yet what goes up…must come down. Goodman’s advice on the matter is sobering: “You can see right away that these people are not Bobbsey Twins,” she writes. As predicted, the spell was swiftly broken. Before I’d even graduated from beginner to intermediate, he’d found a new dance partner—petite, feisty, and a Sagittarius—in the advanced class.

The Twinning Gemini

This chapter should probably come with a trigger warning, given the number of people I know who’ve had their heart broken by a Gemini. I remember ribbing my Gemini ex-boyfriend about this when he first slid into my DMs. “You know, you and I are the astrological match from hell. We’re doomed!! HAHAHAH,” I wrote with a flurry of crystal-ball emojis.

Geminis might have a reputation for being badly behaved and inconsistent, but really I think they’re deeply misunderstood. As Goodman points out, you are essentially dealing with two personalities. On a good day, they’re excellent conversationalists, quick-witted and exceptionally sharp. On a bad day, well, let’s just not even go there.

The trick to making it work with a Gemini is to avoid their evil twin at all costs. My ex-boyfriend’s evil twin had an annoying habit of rearing his ugly head at the most inopportune times, when we were rushing to catch a flight (evil Gemini twin can’t bear to be late!) or waiting on line for a table at a restaurant (evil Gemini twin needs food!); there was nowhere to run or hide. For this unfortunate situation, Goodman has plenty of sympathy. “Pity the poor Taureans who are faced with these two fast-moving people!” Just like I said, doomed from the start.