Men who never develop emotional intelligence do these 9 things without realizing it

Emotional intelligence is one of the most important skills that anyone can develop. Unfortunately, our society does not preach the importance of emotional intelligence to men as much as it should. I would know, because I, myself, fell victim to this mentality, and it really screwed up my life for a long time.

So, let’s learn from my mistakes and talk about some of the signs of men who could benefit from working on their emotional intelligence more.

1. They turn uncomfortable emotions into anger.

For me, anger was always a “safe” emotion. As mental health experts share, anger is actually a mask for some other negative emotion that the person doesn’t feel safe expressing. Like, if you’re a man who’s grown up in a patriarchal society, you’ve basically been conditioned not to want to display weakness.

It used to be that you couldn’t be sad, scared, or feel wounded because the implication is that it made you less of a man. If you did express those things, well, you’d be mocked for it. Hell, we’re still mocked for it. “Men used to go to war,” or “Oh, he wants princess treatment. He’s sassy.” All because we want some consideration for feelings that aren’t silence and anger.

2. They shut down instead of engaging in meaningful communication.

A significant problem with underdeveloped emotional intelligence is that we don’t necessarily understand our own emotions. When confronted with a difficult situation or emotions, we may not understand how to actually talk about them without getting overwhelmed or angry. It’s hard to put emotions into words in general. It’s even harder when you’ve been constantly told it’s a bad thing.

But this breaks down relationships and destroys trust because people are always going to bump heads now and again. Your boundaries may get pushed. The way you resolve it in a healthy way is to communicate, talk about it, and find a resolution, but you can’t do that if you’re overwhelmed and drowning because you don’t know how to express yourself.

3. They take criticism or feedback as a personal attack.

Yes, some people are more sensitive than others. However, those who haven’t developed their emotional intelligence may look at any contrary opinion as an attack. When someone comes at you, even with perfectly reasonable feedback, insecurity can make you feel like you’re under assault. And what do you do when you’re under assault? Well, you defend yourself.

That’s exactly what you don’t want to do when it comes to feedback and improvement. How can we improve if we can’t understand or recognize what’s wrong with us? How can we have more loving relationships or excel at things we’re working on if we can’t take feedback with grace? Everyone has an opinion, and you don’t need to get upset by that fact.

4. They invalidate other people’s feelings.

Grouport Therapy explains that hurt people inadvertently hurt other people because they just don’t understand how to appropriately hold someone’s emotions. For example, I used to be the guy to tell another man to “Suck it up, man. Man up.” because that’s the only thing I really understood for a long time. That’s how I survived a lot of difficult, painful things in my life that would just keep stacking up until they became a much larger problem.

It’s not that I meant harm or meant to invalidate feelings; that’s just the only way I understood how to handle them. Like, what, you going to sit here and cry? Should I braid your hair while you do, or maybe we can go frolicking for flowers after? Gimme a break, man. Suck it up, we got stuff to do. There’s no time to just be sad for a few minutes, even when your world is crashing down.

It’s only once I’d worked on my emotional intelligence that I was able to hold space for people without invalidating them.

5. They apologize without taking ownership or responsibility.

A real apology requires ownership and responsibility for one’s wrong action. There are so many ways to screw up an apology, accidentally or otherwise, particularly if you don’t understand the point. You can’t say things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” because that implies that you don’t see anything wrong with your actions.

Of course, sometimes we do have to do or say hurtful things that may offend to help someone grow. The truth sometimes hurts. However, there are plenty of people who view an apology as just a way to get someone to shut up rather than dealing with a situation. Even worse, when you give an “I’m sorry, but…” it pretty much means you’re not sorry. You’re not taking accountability. You’re turning it back on that person and making it their responsibility when they were the one who was wronged.

6. They repeat the same relationship mistakes over and over.

A lack of emotional intelligence makes it difficult to grow emotionally. As a result, the emotionally unintelligent tend to repeat the same mistakes rather than learning from them. What could be a lesson instead turns into just a repeating, painful process as you burn your hand on the stove over and over. You’ll often see that in their relationship dynamics.

These individuals may find themselves attracted to or falling into the same toxic patterns. For example, let’s say after the honeymoon period wears off, the eye starts wandering to someone else, which can spark those feelings of infatuation and lust. Instead, the right thing to do is to make sure you are constantly watering and tending the garden that you already have, to make it as lush and vibrant as it can be. That’s what makes relationships last and stay passionate, in my experience.

7. They mistake control for strength.

It might seem like control equals strength because you would think it takes a strong person to control others. Sort of, but not really, and not in a healthy way. Like, yeah, you could use violence or threats to coerce them into compliance, but they aren’t going to love or respect you for it. All they can do is fear you and look for an opportunity to escape from you.

Real strength is acceptance. When you are strong enough to create a safe space for others to flourish, they just want to help and support you. They give you real respect out of genuine fondness, not fear. They don’t want to escape or be away from you. Those people want to be close, because they know they’ll be safe and protected.

8. They immediately jump to problem-solving instead of connecting.

It’s kind of a trope in heteronormative relationships where a woman expresses her emotions, and the man just immediately jumps into fix-it mode. This is a stereotype that is based on a lot of truth, because when you don’t know how to sit with someone’s emotions, or offer emotional support, then the only other thing you can do to help is try to fix the issue. But in a lot of cases, the person may not want your help fixing it.

Instead, what they want is emotional support, because emotional support is intimate and it makes you feel connected. It’s nurturing and loving, even if it’s sitting with someone while they express their sadness and listen. And, a little life hack for you, just ask. “Do you want help fixing it, and my opinion? Or am I just listening?” It cuts away like 90% of the BS.

9. They miss emotional cues.

People tend to throw a lot of subtle, emotional cues that can be hard to pick up on if you don’t know what to look for. Plus, if you’re on the autistic spectrum like I am, you may just not notice subtleties at all unless you’re looking for them. Yes, it’s as much of a pain in the ass as it sounds because you can accidentally screw up a relationship and not even realize it.

For example, one thing I used to miss regularly was when people were not interested in talking or they pulled away. Because I was not aware, I was not hearing their stilted, closed-off answers. I would assume that because they weren’t reaching back out to me, that they just didn’t want to talk. It didn’t occur to me that something in my behavior was off-putting for them and causing them to withdraw.

Final thoughts…

Emotional intelligence isn’t a shallow subject. There’s a lot of depth to it, nuance that can be hard to understand if you don’t spend time developing it. The easiest way to develop it is through therapy, to better understand your own emotions, which will help you understand others.

It’s a worthwhile journey if you want to break unhealthy patterns and habits that are holding you back. It’s a myth that you either have emotional intelligence or you don’t. Everyone is capable of improving their emotional intelligence, even if it’s not perfect.