Why We Get the Ick, According to Therapists
“The ick” is a phrase that has permeated pop culture—particularly in the dating sphere—and refers to losing romantic or sexual interest in someone you were once attracted to. True to its moniker, “the ick” can even present as mild or strong disgust toward the other person that ultimately causes you to abandon the relationship.
Sometimes, the ick is completely warranted—think of it as a sign that it’s time to say, “Thank you, next.” But it this feeling becomes a pattern in your relationships, it might be a sign that it’s time to reflect on why you’re so resistant to getting attached.
For more insights on what the ick is, why we get it, when to listen to it, and when to reevaluate our own behaviors, we reached asked therapists to weigh in. Continue reading to dig into the psychological roots of the ick, and to learn whether or not you can overcome this feeling.
What Exactly Is The Ick?
At its core, the ick is a negative feeling or reaction we develop toward the person we are dating. It’s less about having concerns or doubts about the other, and more so a visceral reaction to a habit, behavior, or personality trait.
Psychologically, once we get this feeling, it can cause us to have unpleasant reactions to the other person to the point that we start retracting from the relationship.
“Because it is more of a reaction, the ick can happen quickly and may catch you off guard, where if you are having doubts in the relationship the issues can feel like they have been lingering for a while,” explains Leanna Stockard, LMFT at LifeStance Health.
The ick doesn’t just happen at the start of a new relationship, either. She adds that the ick can strike at any point in the relationship, from that very first date to after years of marriage. This is because we’re constantly learning new things about our partner and even evolving ourselves.
How Common Is the Ick?
A 2025 study examined TikTok videos to identify some of the most common triggers of “the ick.” The study then asked 125 participants aged 24 to 72 about their own experiences with this phenomenon and how they would feel about the triggers the researchers had identified from social media videos.
- 64% reported experiencing the ick at least once in a relationship
- 42% had stopped dating someone because of it
- 26% had immediately ended a relationship as a result of it
The study also found that women were more likely than men to feel the ick (75% to 57%). Certain personality traits also appear to play a role, although there are gender differences here as well. For women, perfectionism and narcissism were more common. For men, it was more linked to disgust sensitivity and distaste for behaviors they perceived as socially trendy.
What Behaviors Give People the Ick?
Just what kind of behaviors were most likely to give people the ick? In the 2025 study, examples ranged from annoying speech patterns to publicly embarrassing behaviors to poor fashion choices. Some specific examples cited in the study:
- “When he laid his head on my shoulder.”
- “Shazaaming a song while he was in a nightclub.”
- “He wore jorts.”
- “He loudly shushed another girl.”
- “The sound of his feet slapping the floor.”
- “When she spits her gum in the trash can like a guy.”
- “Cringy captions on her Instagram pictures.”
Why Do We Get The Ick?
Let’s say that you have been dating a person for five months. Things are going well, they’ve already met your parents, and your friends have given their thumbs up. Then one day you go out to eat and they are rude to the server and you notice them chewing with their mouth open.
You become absolutely repulsed in this moment and find it hard to shake. It affects your feelings toward them so much that you begin to distance yourself.
This is just one example of a million potential scenarios. You can get the ick after seeing your partner interact poorly with someone else, after observing a lack of hygiene, or following a big blowup. Let’s dive into some of those scenarios in more detail.
Red or Yellow Flags
Amber Trueblood, LMFT, says that we can experience the ick after observing a yellow or red flag in our partner. These are signs to move forward with caution or to retract entirely, and it’s important to listen to this gut instinct.
Red flags include verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, and yellow flags include non-harmful behavioral issues that affect your relationship or value discrepancies. If your close friends or family members share concerns or confusion about your relationship, this is a sign to look deeper and to trust that “ick” feeling.
Leanna Stockard, LMFT
I cannot emphasize enough that it is imperative to listen to your gut feelings when abusive behaviors begin to show to prevent us from falling into manipulation techniques, which can be more difficult to leave long-term.
— Leanna Stockard, LMFT
Growing Apart
We are forever evolving, and sometimes that translates to a natural increase in emotional distance between you and your partner. One way that we may psychologically cope with this reality is to start to view our partner less favorably. This can make it easier to extricate ourselves from a relationship that we assume is headed nowhere.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is over, but it should trigger us to re-evaluate.
Trueblood says, “Listening to your body and your feelings is an important component in understanding yourself and your needs. [Getting the ick] means that some deeper analysis will be well worth the time and effort.”
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment is a type of attachment style where we are hesitant to invest in a relationship. Stockard says, “When we struggle with avoidant attachment, getting close to someone and thinking about the possibility of a long-term, secure relationship triggers our mind to find an opportunity to pull away from them.”
She says that we have this reaction due to a fear of rejection or abandonment because an avoidant attachment style wants us to pull away before we can get hurt.
That said, if you find yourself experiencing the ick repeatedly in relationships, there’s a solid possibility that you may have an avoidant attachment style.
Attachment Styles
According to attachment theory, there are four primary types of attachment styles: secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. Our style indicates how we move through relationships and can ultimately impact our success or lack thereof in romantic partnerships.
Can You Get Past The Ick?
Is your relationship completely doomed if you get the ick? Not necessarily.
- In cases where you’re dealing with a red flag, it’s important to listen to that gut instinct and walk away.
- With yellow flags, it’s a sign to slow down, communicate, and proceed with caution.
- In cases where you’re growing apart, it’s important to hunker down and communicate with your partner about the trajectory of your relationship.
Stockard acknowledges that the ick can be hard to shake. However, you can definitely get past the feeling by being radically transparent with your partner and yourself.
Leanna Stockard, LMFT
If your partner’s behaviors or certain traits are giving you the ick, it may be worthwhile to communicate it to them to see if it is something they are willing to work on or change.
— Leanna Stockard, LMFT
When you’re dealing with an avoidant attachment style, it’s important to address the underlying cause so you can find joy in healthy relationships. Otherwise, you may continue this cycle without intervention.
As challenging as it can be to push through these deep-seated reactions to attachment, working through the issue will reap great rewards for your future.
Speaking with a therapist is one way to better understand this behavior in yourself. You can also connect with friends and family, journal, and learn more about avoidant attachment so you can better understand personal triggers and work through them in real time.
In addition to working on yourself, studies have found that practicing gratitude and focusing on the things you love about your partner is one way to nurture your relationship.
Takeaways
Experiencing the ick is a sign that we need to do some more digging, either with our partner or about ourselves. Listen to gut instincts to walk away when dealing with red flags, communicate with your partner if you feel like you’re growing apart, and look inwardly to do some healing if this is a pattern of avoidant attachment in your relationships.
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